GREENPASTURES_______&STILLWATERS: November 2007

Friday, November 30, 2007

my grades so far:

Principles of Banking and Finance: 20/25

Mathematics 1: 19/20

Economics: 70A

there were two tests i did badly and i regretted not respecting them much enough.

Friday, November 23, 2007

My little prayer to You:

'Sometimes I try too hard to do well, I forgot to look to You. Sometimes I don't try at all, and sulk at all that went wrong. Sometimes I tried just enough, and believed my efforts paid. But most of the times I did fine, I didn't pray to thank You. I hope You will always be in my eyes, to let me know the gears are shifted by You, so that every time I made myself believe that it was me who made it work, I would see that it was You who let it happen.'

Sunday, November 18, 2007

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGCJ46vyR9o

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Currently meditating on: The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise. - Psalm 111:10

Monday, November 12, 2007

I know they say 'don't hang your wet blanket in public' but sometimes a channel has to be found somewhere to release before it gets too much.

'It's your studying attitude that infuriates us, it is also your attitude that determines our wealth. not the figure in papa's cpf'

'You can obviously not be late for school, but by a cab. Being late today does not matter at all, it is your attitude that matters. You are a student now, a student does his homework, attends school on time and tries to get the best grades. If papa spends all his efforts in keeping us remain in playing this role, there must be a reason to it. And since this is so, then this role must be upheld AT ALL TIMES. until the day we graduate and are able to earn, papa will still continue to invest in us. He told me we are his long term investment. If we FAIL TO DO EVEN THE SLIGHTEST (enjoying going out with friends, playing the computer all day long), then won't we sink into greater poverty?'

I don't know how to be a good role model until I realized my parents left to care for their state more than their children's academics. I don't think I am capable of any of these words until I felt the true feeling of being on your own and being responsible for your own life. And before all these was a series of rebellion and laziness that overwhelms every bit of adolescence which then became the greatest fear of its possibility in a younger sibling. The sheer lack of motivation and aim, the behavior of who-cares-two-hoots and disrespect to anyone who cares finally confirms its severity when a sudden shot of message jerked my phone while I was teaching in a class.

'Y u all scold me dis morning, i'm not even late for sch... Juz bcoz dad got no money in CPF u dun haf to blame me wad, dun make it sound like i'm wastin money studying, dun forget tt u r using his money to study also.'

It only dawned upon me that this young juvenile was only breaking out of his cacoon of teen years, and despite his really disturbing lifestyle, he was a product of a family suffering in fear and worries. He could only have said those things when the thoughts have manifested his mind-- and it only takes an uninvolved party to identify the immense guilt, worry and undeniable trace of realization that the financial difficulty is still around.

Before I flung my A levels, I was an exact replica of him. Seizing the neglect from the 'authorities' consciously or subconsciously, I turned it into an advantage to enjoy life in the most detrimental way. Especially at this age, the school has loosen the reins to a stage in between personal freedom of a young adult and still a child who needs guidance, the parents at home play a crucial role to spend quality time with their growing child. Many of our life perceptions get moulded and fixed here. If all our parents do is to stir up nasty conversations with each other about the finances, Daddy criticizing about the government's inadequacies because he was dissatisfied with his life now and sinking into depression with no motivation everyday, Mummy returning home late everyday, banging into pots and pans in the kitchen preparing dinner in the grumpiest manner, how could the children possibly grow in the healthiest way? all physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically? In addition, he still needs that constant reminder of how he ought to keep a look out at that extending hours on the computer of which the behavior was almost completely ignored, as if many years ago this taboo was now totally transgressed to a new level in this now troubled family. The situation turned into a father shuts himself in his room after work, a mother filled with guilt that every word would not come out nicely, and a schooling child freely does what he likes at home.

My eldest sister left home between the age of eighteen to the later years of her university studies. The departure was done amidst my unreasonable fury because of
my confusion about what was going on in the family, and pent up frustration about why everyone was displaying annoyance at the slightest issue. She left because she could not study in peace. I could vividly recall once in the living room of the Azalea Park Condominium we used to live, my mother was threatening to commit suicide and my sister spouted a 'Go ahead'. My father was pressing onto his brows in deep thought and my brother and I were very lost. We were too young to know the severity of the situation, hence we did not know how to react. From a younger one's point of view, we felt our mother antogonised for good reason. But other than that, we were mostly kept in the dark from the true details until later years..

Many instances because of this, I had always formed a belief that my brother and I are the end products of what this family went through. My sister had left the family and spent most of her growing up in the cheer of visiting relatives in grandma's house. However, my brother and I were left to the arising questions of the changing antagonistic attitude towards Mummy in general. Soon, the powers were quite blurred. What became of us were for all to see, we generally struggled with our studies and what the relatives silently concluded during new year gatherings were that we did not study hard.

If a lesson is drawn out of this, the effects will be a lifetime lasting.
And sometimes, life's most magnificent transformation is very subtle because it was not witnessed by anyone but by God alone, that later its great effects will be felt undeniably.

By God's grace, I try to be a role model to my brother and by faith, I really pray that no fall as great as mine would come close to him.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

to-watch-list!

Zodiac

Proof

Brokeback Mountain

Jarhead

Candy

Casanova

Rendition

Jake Gyllenhaal reminds me of George. and I missed that darn neighbour.

In the meanwhile, I cant choose to like Heath Ledger or Jake Gyllenhaal more.

I'm back to being a good nun but nobody seems to be rejoicing about it. could it be that all my friends have a fetish for mischief? On the other side, there seems to be XiuJun and Zixuan who seems prone to get shocked at the things I might do. which gets me a bit schizophrenic. which side to perpetuate- the predictably good or the really, not so tame but freaking-what-i-call-life.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

haha but hey its over!

i think the key to surviving uni life is to realise we have to not take things too hard?

I thought this really hit the nail.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leXTL8gb3p0
homosexuality is not innate and therefore can be changed, casting them out won't help.

GREENPASTURES_______&STILLWATERS